Our Past is Grey
by OnCloudTen
Summary: "My guardian angels never shown as bright. They were never there to take away the pain. The scars. They couldn't wipe away the tears at night. No matter how hard I wished, they never protected me." Divergent Four's POV.
1. Angels

**A/N Hey, it's OnCloudTen! I decided to write another story, as you can see. This first chapter is really short, but it was a really emotional one for me to write. I didn't want to jump right in to the initiates coming, and I thought this would be a good way to do it. I will reference these thoughts later, because they were so hard for me to write and I think they voice this topic perfectly. I'll post a new (longer) chapter hopefully tomorrow!**

Silence used to be my worst enemy. Silence meant belts and lashes. Closets and fears. I used to see Dauntless as a safe haven. Now it's my jail.

The roaring water from the chasm is spraying my feet. But I don't care. Normally I come here to sort out my thoughts. Today I'd rather drown them.

Choosing day. The memories are painful and exhilarating at the same time. Two years ago, today was my savior. Now it is my demise.

I could jump. I can end it all. No more nightmares, no more living with my terrors. Even if there are only four. Too much for me to handle. The abyss of the unknown is calling to me. But I will fight the urge another day. I push my hands against the wet rock and slowly stand up. The first time I sat here I was running from my fears. Right now it seems easier to cave into them.

My mother told me once that stars are guardian angels sent to watch over us at night. To keep us safe. I asked her what happens during the day. She didn't know what to say to that. Each night, I'd look up to the stars and think about life, as much as a kid could. My guardian angels never shown as bright. They were never there to take away the pain. The scars. They couldn't wipe away the tears at night. No matter how hard I wished, they never protected me.

When she went to join them, I thought that I'd finally be free. But the stars were only dimmer when his belt came out at night.

I never understood what I did wrong. What I did to deserve this. My angels couldn't be fixed. It wasn't as simple as installing new batteries or twisting a knob the other way. Their lights were shattered. Scattered. Scarred. They were never working when I needed them the most. I reflected them. The tattoos on my back worked to cover the scars. But not the memories.

I've built my walls, block by block, for eighteen years. It will take more than a gust of wind to knock them down. The identity I've built in Dauntless is not me. _I_ do not have four fears. I am a coward. Tears might bring a sense of release, but they never come. Just like my angels. It's been eighteen years and I've never seen my guardians. Maybe I never will.

The first time he beat me I was three. I was locked in the closet for two hours. I cried for three. I was young, I didn't understand. What I did to deserve the welts on my back. But I still don't. _I still don't._


	2. Saved

**A/N OnCouldTen here! Here is your second chapter of **_**Our Past Is Grey. **_**This is basically chapter six of Divergent. I will try to update **_**Another Choice **_**later today. In the meantime, enjoy!**

_My angel is never going to save me._

The chasm has a horrible way of reminding me what I've lost. Or rather, never had. I know that my angel is out there somewhere. And that's the worst part of it.

It's best for me to not think about it. Sighing, I turn around and take a cleansing breath. Only thinking about moving forward. I kick a stray rock out of the way and make my way up to the pit. The rocks are mostly dry this far up. But I know it would only take one slip for this all to be over. Maybe that's the way I want it to be.

**PAGEBREAK**

You never realize how much something is worth until you loose it. The sun beats down on my forehead mercilessly as I absently twirl my fingers into the taut rope of the net stretching below me. If I miss anything about Abnegation, it's the sun. Not that I ever saw much of it. Most of my childhood was spent shoved between lifeless winter coats.

The blue sky above represents the life I could've had back in Abnegation. _With Marcus._ I cringe. _Maybe not._ But lying here, I do make a promise to myself. After initiation, I will leave. Either Dauntless. Or life.

"What'cha doing up there, idiot?" Despite my melancholy mood, the familiar voice makes me smile. I roll off the net and gracefully land on my feet. Lauren claps and I bow. "Initiates will be here in five. Are you trying to get squashed again?" She chuckles, and I roll my eyes. Last year I fell asleep on the net before the initiates came. Exactly my luck, the first jumper was a pudgy boy from Candor. Not an experience I want to relive.

She ducks under the net and I follow her. We sit on a rock jutting out from the wall underneath the net.

"So, who do you think we'll get this year? You know, besides fat guys from Candor." Lauren smirks a little at her joke and looks up at the net above our heads.

"Candor, Erudite, maybe an Amity." I can't get any other words out. _Not with thoughts of suicide swimming in my head. _Lauren nods, still looking up at the net. Since initiation, she's been a close friend of mine. She knows something's up. But she knows me well enough not ask. The train rumbles faintly above our heads, growing louder by the second. Lauren jumps up and runs over to the platform. I close my eyes and sit for a few seconds. _Two more weeks. Then I'm done._

The roaring is nearly deafening now. Then sounds like rain patter on the roof, and the roaring subsides. It's silent. Until the scream. My eyes snap open. I remember my initiation. Some Candor kids were having an argument, and one of them fell off the roof. There's always someone who doesn't make it.

A shudder rolls through me as I climb up to the wooden platform. I stand in front of Lauren with my arms crossed. My wall is up.

There's shouting and catcalls above me. I'm trying to ignore the bickering initiates until I hear a very familiar word. _Stiff_. Stiff. As in Abnegation Stiff. My eyes shoot up to the net, but I can't make any faces, only colorless blobs. I haven't heard that word in two years. An Abnegation? Here? _No_. Someone has a sore arm or something after the jump. _But maybe. _The shouts subside, and a second later a dark shape falls from the roof. _Wearing Grey. _The body falls into the net, barely stretching it. I hear a laugh. Half relieved and half hysterical.

I throw my hand out and fell small fingers wrap around my arm. She rolls forward and almost hits the ground, but I catch her.

It's a girl, wearing the all too familiar grey of my home. _My old home, I remind myself. _She has long blonde hair and big watery blue eyes. Long cheekbones highlight her thin face. I can already tell that she's different. But there's something about her that's familiar.

I've been staring too long. Setting her upright, I release her arms and fight off a smile.

"Thank you." Her voice is low for a girl's, but its very crisp.

"Can't believe it. A Stiff, the first to jump? Unheard of." She isn't right. I was first jumper too. But she doesn't remember where I'm from. I hide well enough in my false identity.

"There's a reason why she left them, Lauren." _Hopefully not mine. _"What's your name?"

"Um…" she hesitates, and I smile. I was never Tobias, to the Dauntless. I chose Four originally to represent my four scars. But it came to mean something else to Four, not Tobias.

"Think about it. You don't get to pick again."

"Tris." My heart skips a beat. _Why does that sound so familiar?_

Lauren grins from behind her and repeats it. Why do I know this name?

I ignore my thoughts and look over my shoulder. "First jumper – Tris!" _Definitely familiar._

The Dauntless fan out, screaming and shouting. Another person jumps into the net. But I don't care. _Tris. Tris._

For a minute I am not Four. I am Tobias. I set my hand on her back. The walls are cracking. "Welcome to Dauntless."

_ Maybe my angel has already saved me._


	3. Insane

**A/N OnCloudTen again! Ha that rhymes. Anyways, here's another chapter! IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END! I still don't own Divergent. Don't forget to review!**

Angels do not have halos. They don't glide on white downy wings, or dress in white satin dresses. Real angels do not come wrapped in all that pretty packaging. Angels in real life make who wonder how you ever lived a day without them. My angel came with blonde hair, mesmerizing eyes, and baggy grey clothes. Tris.

_I've gone insane. All I know about this girl is her name, and I'm already practically planning our wedding. Dauntless physiologist here I come…_

Lauren and I lead the initiates down the dark hallway I know so well. I often lay in the net at night when the dreams become too much. The first time I walked through here I was still scared. Still Tobias, even though I was technically Four. Now I can feel myself turning back into Tobias. _Coward_.

We reach the fork of the tunnel and I abruptly stop, suppressing a laugh when I see the transfers almost topple into each other.

"This is where we divide," Lauren barks, "The Dauntless-born initiates are with me. I assume don't need a tour of the place. _Yep. Assume_.

The Dauntless break away and disappear behind Laruen. I do a quick head count. Nine initiates is a pretty good amount. Tris is the only Stiff, and there are no Amity transfers, like usual. People willing to switch from peace to bravery are hard to come by. The rest are the typical Erudite and Candor.

"Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor. My name is Four." _Wait for it…_

"Four? Like the number?" A dark skinned Candor girl remarks. _Always the Candor_.

"Yes. Is there a problem?" I dare you…

"No."

"Good. We're about to go into the Pit, which you will someday learn to love. It –"

I hear Candor snicker. "The Pit? Clever name." Insult me, fine. Insult Dauntless. No.

_Time to turn on instructor mode. _I walk up to the girl and lean my face close to her, eyes narrowed. "What's your name?" I'm hardly above a whisper. Quiet is the worst. I would know.

"Christina." She squeaks. _Time to bring out the big guns._

"Well, Christina, if I wanted to put up with Candor smart-mouths, I would have joined their faction." _Heck no. _"The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?" She nods shakily. _Anyone else want to play Candor?_

I turn around and walk to the end of the tunnel. I'm far enough away not to make out specific words, but I hear Tris and Christina mumbling. Ignoring them, I push open the pit doors and walk inside. Although I've been here for two years, the sight still amazes me. It's things like this that I don't want to leave. But I might not have a choice. All the initiates, especially Tris, have awed looks on their faces. I really need to stop thinking about her before I propose on the pit floor.

"If you follow me, I'll show you the chasm." I wave them forward, but my heart's not in it. The chasm is too close to me. I feel like it's my spot. The initiates lean over the railing carefully as I shout my signature speech.

"The chasm reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy! A daredevil jump off this ledge will end you life. It has happened before and it will happen again. You've been warned." It happens every year.

I step away, but give the initiates a few seconds to dissolve what I just said. _Who will it be this year?_

Eventually they turn around and follow me to the dining hall.

**PAGEBREAK**

Somehow I find myself sitting next to Tris. _Idiot_. She's staring at the hamburger in her hands like it's a foreign object. We had hamburgers my first night too. I imagine I looked just like she does now. Nose cutely scrunched up…_SHUT UP!_

I nudge her with my elbow and pass her a bowl of ketchup. "It's beef," I say. "Put this on it."

"You've never had a hamburger before?" Christina asks, eyes wide.

"No. Is that what it's called?" She is so adorable…_I am getting ready to drive a stake through my head._

"Stiffs eat plain food." I say, nodding at Christina.

"Why?" I am really starting to get annoyed with this girl.

Tris shrugs. "Extravagance is considered self-indulgent and unnecessary." I fight the urge to smile. It's a quote straight from one of Mr. Prior's weekly lessons. _Did she go too?_

Christina does the smiling for me. "No wonder you left."

"Yeah," Tris says, rolling her eyes. "It was just because of the food."

Stiff's got jokes.

The cafeteria doors bang open, and a hush falls over the room. I don't have to look to see who it is.

"Who's that?" hisses Christina.

"His name is Eric. He's a Dauntless leader."

"Seriously? But he's so young."

I give her a serious look to mask my urge to slap her. Does she really think that age matters here, of all places? "Age doesn't matter here."

Eric drops down in the seat next to me. My posture tenses. I don't dare say anything to him.

"Well, aren't you going to introduce me?" _No_.

"This is Tris and Christina."

"Ooh, a Stiff. We'll see how long you last." I resist another urge to slap him. How dare he say that to my Tris? _My Tris_. I bite the inside of my cheek hard. My subconscious really needs to shut up.

He starts taping his fingers on the table. He knows I hate it when he does that.

"What have you been doing lately, Four?" Instead of reaching over and breaking his fingers in half I decide to respond. Funny how that relates.

I shrug a shoulder. "Nothing, really?"

"Max tells me he keeps trying to meet with you, and you don't show up." _You don't say? _"He requested that I find out what's going on with you."

I grit my teeth and stare at him. Why does he care? "Tell him that I am satisfied with the position I currently hold."

"So he wants to give you a job." _I am really starting to doubt if he ever was actually Erudite._

"So it would seem." _To any two year old._

"Well. Let's hope he gets the point, then." He then slams his hand onto my shoulder, gets up, and walks away. _I really hate him._

"Are you two…friends?" Really Stiff?

"We were in the same initiate class. He transferred from Erudite." _Doubtful_.

"Were you a transfer too?" I really want to jump up and carry her all the way down to my spot in the chasm. Explain everything. Make it _our_ spot. But I can't.

"I thought I would only have trouble with the Candor asking too many questions. Now I've got Stiffs, too." It hurts me to be this rude to her, but I need to stay sane.

"It must be because you're so approachable," Tris sys flatly. "You know. Like a bed of nails." _Nice_. And then another thought. _Is that really how she sees me?_

I can't do anything but stare. There's no way on this Earth I can keep myself from her. I just need to wait for the right time.

"Careful, Tris." _I would never hurt you, but acting like that someone else might._

Someone at another table calls my name, and I get up without another word. It's Lauren.

"What was that all about? You were talking, and then staring, and then you looked like you wanted to kiss her –" _What!?_

"What!?" Well that didn't sound very convincing. Lauren smiles at me. I sigh.

"We need to talk."

**A/N Hey again! For those of you who are reading **_**Another Choice**_**, I just want you to know that I'm suffering **_**major**_** writer's block on that story. Please review on this story or that one. I need ideas! Thanks!**


	4. Stars

_If I were someone's angel, I'd teach them how to fly._

_Hopefully they wouldn't make the same mistakes as I._

Like deciding to "talk this out" with Lauren. Big mistake. I knew it was a bad move from the start. But it's not like I could say, "Nope. Don't know what you're talking about. Got to go, uh, shoot some puppies or something." _If only._

I'm thinking that her face is broken. As soon as dinner was over, she literally dragged me to apartment 43A. With a cartoon grin plastered to her face. _Great. Note the sarcasm._

We only stop for half a second so she can dig the key out of her back jeans pocket. She pushes it into the electronic lock and opens the door. Still dragging me. The entire room is black, like most Dauntless apartments. But there are pink accents everywhere. She even has a pink microwave. Why does anyone need a pink microwave? Is it really necessary? She flops down on the black couch and moves a pink pillow so I can sit down.

"So I sat down at our usual table, and the next thing I know you were talking to the Stiff girl. Four, you hardly ever mutter a word to anyone. Spill." Lauren just spits this all out at once. I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. Maybe the chasm is still a viable option.

"I…uh…I just don't know Lauren. I…um…I think I like her, but I don't know. I mean I've never felt this way before, and I just met her and…" I trail off when I see Lauren's expression. Over the moon is the only way to describe it.

"FOUR'S GOT A CRUSH, FOUR'S GOT A CRUSH! FOUR'S-" I clap my hand over her mouth to stop her mid sentence. I swear that the Dauntless in the Pit could hear her ridiculous chant. If she had a gun in her room, I would definitely shoot her right now. _No doubt._

"Shut up!" But even Four couldn't hide the smile that comes next. One second I'm ready to claw her head off, and now I'm smiling like an idiot too. Tris is bringing Tobias back.

**PAGEBREAK**

Dim stars don't remind me of what I'm missing tonight. Sitting back in the chasm, my mind is racing. But not with negative thoughts. _Tris._

I can barely see the stars through the Pire, but I know they're there. Although they were never there for me, they always were _there_. Just out of my reach. A star has fallen far enough down for me to grab. She has brought me up farther than the heavens. The other stars barely glow in comparison to her.

Tris. I still haven't placed the name. I wouldn't care otherwise. It took a Dauntless maniac to bring my feelings out of me. _I like Tris._

**Sorry for the short chapter! I'm going to try to post a chapter for **_**Another Choice**_** today…I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed for the positive feedback! And my writer's block has gone away for the day, so hopefully the writing won't be crap. Lauren says sorry for the curse word! Review?**

**- OnCloudTen**


	5. Burned

_Four _doesn't fall in love. _Four _has girls drooling all over him, but won't make a move. _Four _doesn't give a crap about girls. But Tobias is a totally different person.

_Tobias _is falling. _Hard_. _Tobias _only wants one girl to ever look at him. _Tobias _would take a bullet to the head for this girl. But Four knows he can't let it show.

"The first thing you will learn today is how to shoot a gun. The second thing is how to win a fight." It takes every muscle in my body to keep walking past her. My finger lightly touches her palm as I press a gun into her small hands. A jolt of electricity goes through me, and my body jerks a little bit. It's like this girl is controlling me. Somehow I keep walking.

"Initiation is divided into three stages. We will measure you progress and rank you according to you performance in each stage." I reach the end of the line and walk to the center of the room. Tris is only a few feet away from me. "The stages are not weighted equally in determining you final rank, so it is possible, though difficult, to drastically improve your rank over time." I verbally direct the last line to Tris. I can tell that fighting won't be her best stage. But factionless isn't an option for her.

"We believe that preparation eradicates cowardice, which we define as the failure to act in the midst of fear. Therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way. The first stage is primarily physical; the second, primarily emotional; the third, primarily mental." I've always thought that two and three are the same. It's not my place to argue against the leaders; even I was their first choice for leader. _Ha, Eric._ I flip the gun in my hand and start to a target when one of the initiates speaks.

"But what…" He yawns in-between his words. I don't remember his name and I couldn't care less. "What does firing a gun have to do with…bravery?

A second later my gun is on his forehead. The bullet clicks into place. He stops, another yawn dead in his foul mouth. "Wake. Up." This voice definitely sounds like Four. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it." The gun reluctantly drifts down. _How much I would pay to shoot him. _I walk down towards the other end of the row.

"And to answer you question…you are far less likely to soil you pants and cry for you mother if you're prepared to defend yourself." I turn on my heel and walks towards Tris' end. _Just keep walking, just keep walking. _"This is also information you may need later in stage one. So, watch me." I pause in front of the center target and set my stance automatically. I can feel Tris' eyes on me. _My subconscious is an idiot. _The trigger presses down, and I don't even flinch as a hole is torn through the very center of the target. My thoughts drift away as the initiates start practicing. _This girl is driving me insane._

**PAGEBREAK**

_And all my walls stood tall painted blue_

_And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you_

_And I wanna call you mine_

_Wanna hold your hand forever_

_Everybody needs somebody to love_

_And I choose you_

"FOUR!" My eyes snap open and I see Lauren waving her hands wildly in front of my face. She rolls her eyes at me, and snatches the iPod from my hands before I can protest. _Oh no. _I cover my face with my hands.

"Awwwwww!" I inwardly groan. Maybe making a playlist with all love songs, titled '_Tris 3' _was a bad idea. Just maybe. She pulls an ear bud from my hands and pops it in her own ear. "You are just a little lovesick puppy, aren't ya?"

Peeking at her from between my fingers, I can see her smiling at me. Even more so than yesterday.

"Dude, you so need to ask her out." Zeke pops down next Lauren and my hands fly off my face, sending visual daggers at them.

"You told him?" I spit. Wrong thing to say.

"Oh, so you're not denying it now? And no. Anyone with two eyes can see it." _Is it really that obvious? _I glance over my shoulder at Tris' table. She's laughingat a joke another initiate said. _I wish that were me._

"Well, to anyone but her. She's pretty oblivious." Zeke finishes, following my line of sight. "But seriously. You're pathetic. Grow some balls and just do it already." Sighing, I grab my iPod out of Lauren's hand and pull the bud out of her ear.

"You know I can't. I'm still her teacher. You know, maybe after initiation." I mumble as I put the music player away. When I look back up they both have the cheesiest grins I have ever seen.

"You two are going to be the cutest couple ever!" Lauren whispers. I can't help but smile. Until another thought hits me.

"Wait. What if she doesn't like me?" Lauren rolls her eyes again.

"Don't look now but she's giving you _the_ look." Huh?

Resisting the urge to turn around, I say, "What look?" If she keeps rolling her eyes like that they might come unscrewed.

"Come on, really? She's giving you the puppy dog eyes. You know, the 'God you're so hot just come and suck my face off look.'" I swear this girl should've been Candor. Nope. No filter on her!

I look over at Tris' table, where's she's laughing again. "No. Tris isn't like that."

**PAGEBREAK**

** "**As I said this morning, next you will learn how to fight. The purpose of this is to prepare you to act; to prepare your body to respond to threats and challenges – which you will need, if you intend to survive life as a Dauntless." _Tris needs to stay. There is no other option for her. Us. OK FOUR TIME TO SEE A PHYSCOLOGIST!_

"We will go over technique today, and tomorrow you will start to fight each other. So I recommend that you pay attention. Those who don't learn fast will get hurt." I turn to a punching bag and call out a few basic punches and quickly demonstrate them. My thoughts leave my body for several minutes as I show a few even more basic kicks.

I stop once the sounds of flesh hitting the hard fabric fill the room. The bag swings away from me, and I expertly step back before it hits me. My eyes scan the room and I start to wander through the initiates. I find my feet stopping right in front of Tris, and I can't seem to move away. She has me rooted to the spot. The bag barely moves when she hits it.

My eyes drift down her body slowly, but I don't let them linger anywhere. _As much as I want too. Oh. My. God. My subconscious has the mind of a 13-year-old boy._

I take a cautious step closer to her. "You don't have much muscle." _Which is fine by me. _"Which means you're better off using your knees and elbows. You can put more power behind them." Next thing I know my hand is pressed into her ribcage. Just touching her I feel a bolt of lightning spark through me. My hand stretches all the way across her rib cage, right below the slight rise of her chest. Either my hands are huge, or she is really small. I'm guessing both. Tris is staring at me with her large grey doe eyes. Her heart is fluttering madly in her chest. _Why_? _Do I have the same effect on her that she has on me? _Our eyes stay locked.

"Never forget to keep tension here." I say this in a quiet voice. Slowly lifting my hand, I turn around and walk away. My heart is hammering just as fast as hers was. My fingers feel like they were burned where I touched her. I probably looked like a big idiot. _But I don't regret it._

**A/N Hey guys! So I really liked this chapter. I know Four was a bit OOC in this chapter, but whatever. He's Tobias when he's with Tris. Ok so I finally updated today because this literally took five fours to write because I was face timing my friend and trying to write this and ya. (She says hi, by the way.) I won't be able to update Another Choice today, so please don't hate me! Oh yeah…recognize the song lyrics? Review please!**

**- OnCloudTen**


	6. Drunk

Dim stars. Soft wind. Roaring water. Home.

Right now I'm invincible. This girl may have taken down my walls. But she built them into armor.

My fingers are threaded into the thick rope of the net below me, arms raised above my head. I take slow breaths, truly relaxed. I've never been this calm and content in my whole life. Although there are stars stretched across the sky above me, I only see one. And she's not up there.

The first time I got drunk was at a Dauntless party that Zeke dragged me to right after initiation. That's all I remember, apart from the violent vomiting and marching band in my head after.

That's what this is. Loopy, incomprehensible, inexplicable. _Love_. Without the sickness after.

Tris isn't pretty. Not in a traditional way. She isn't pretty. _She's beautiful. _No. That's not a big enough word. I know that other boys don't see that in her. But I love her so much it hurts my chest. Everything about her. She's flawless in my mind.

If I could kiss her, just once, I'd be happier than I can even describe in words. Her lips pressed against mine. I would kill for that.

A slight shudder racks through my body as I realize how creepy I sound. Chuckling, I sit up in the net and crawl off. The sun is going to rise soon, hiding the stars with it. Time to go scare the crap of out some initiates.

**PAGEBREAK**

"Since there are an odd number of you, one of you won't be fighting today." I step back from the chalkboard so the initiates can see the pairings Eric made. Tris' eyes scan the board and she breathes a sigh or relief. In my mind I thank Eric for not pairing her. But I think there's a deeper reason for it. Our eyes catch for a minute. I don't want to look away, but she breaks our eye contact.

Christina elbows her sharply in the ribs, and I wince. Her muscles are probably really sore. I felt like a truck had hit me after the first day. They have a quick exchange, and I usher the first pair into the arena. Will and Al. Putting their fists up, they start to circle each other. Even though I know I should be watching the fight, I can't seem to tear my eyes away from Tris.

All leans forward and slams Will in the jaw. My eyes tear away from her. Will falls to the side with a hand covering his face. He just barely manages to block the next punch with his other hand. But I know just as well as any other Dauntless that blocking can hurt just as much as receiving. He winces.

Will slides his foot under Al's lumbering body and pulls his leg out from under him. Al falls heavily to the ground, but quickly gets up. They both stand there for a second, looking expectantly at me. I give no response, and they circle each other slowly.

"Do you think this is a leisure activity? Should we break for naptime? Fight each other!" Eric shouts at them.

They stop circling. "But…" Al stands up taller, and his hands drop to his sides. "Is it scored or something? When does the fight end?" _It used to be scored._

"It ends when one of you is unable to continue."

I narrow my eyes at Eric. "According to Dauntless rules, one of you could also concede."

Eric stares back at me challengingly. I know he has the power here, but I don't care. "According to the old rules. In the new rules, no one concedes."

"A brave man acknowledges the strength of others." Our trainer, Amar, said something very similar to that in our initiation.

"A brave man never surrenders." I stare at him for a few seconds. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Tris looking tensely between us. Al and Will say something, but I'm not paying attention. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes. A minute later I hear a sickening crack, and my eyes snap open. Al is on the floor next to Will, flicking his cheek. He looks quite alarmed. Will opens his eyes, and blinks a few times.

"Get him up." Eric grins at Will like he's some sort of prey. I turn around and circle Al's name. A victory. Al brings Will's still limp body over to me, and I grab him around the waist and lead him out. I don't want to leave Tris – I mean the initiates, with Eric. But I have no choice. _I have a bad feeling that I'm going to regret this._

After dropping Will off at the infirmary, I make my way up to the Pire with a syringe. I'm going where I always do to sort out my thoughts. My fear landscape.

**A/N Hey! Ok so I have a few things to tell you guys. Number one. I will not be updating this story or Another Choice for a few days, since my friend is going to borrow my copy of Divergent. But…number two. I'm going to start a new story in the meantime. I'm thinking of an after the war story, with new initiates. It'll be different than all the others though. Hope you enjoyed chapter 6!**

**- OnCloudTen**


	7. Fears

**A/N Hey guys! So I figured you guys deserved a chapter, considering all the nice follows and reviews I got! Just so you know, my friend still has my copy of Divergent, so I can't post any chapters from the book. But I did set up the last chapter as Tobias going into his fear landscape, so you guys get a chapter. Oh yeah! Go check out JezaBelle7! She posted her first fanfiction yesterday, and it's about the Kingdom Keepers helping out at Universal! (She's the one who's borrowing my Divergent copy.) JezaBelle7 and I are also working on a Little Mermaid/Phantom of the Opera crossover, and when that goes up I'll let you know! Until next time!**

**- OnCloudTen**

Right now I need the stars. Real ones. Not simulated ones.

The wind howls in my ears, and I struggle to keep myself upright. I'm off the ground. _Way _off the ground. Clenching my teeth is the only thing that keeps them from convulsing anymore then they are now.

Air shakes its way through my lungs, and then is violently pushed out. Not breathing, hyperventilating. I squeeze my eyes shut so hard that rainbows dance on the inside of my eyelids, and I become very dizzy. Which means that as much as I don't want to, I have to open them.

I blink several times to chase away the swirling lights. The air up here feels like ice slapping my skin. It takes all my might, but I push one of my feet forward. And then I'm standing on the ledge.

If I thought I couldn't breathe before, that would've been an understatement. Pinpricks of light are clouding my vision, and I can't focus on anything. A wild panic spreads through me, like wildfire. _I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to…_

My thoughts break. Simulation. My heart starts back up again. Even though this is a _fear_, some of the panic is gone. I press my toes up to the little lip at the edge of the roof. Lifting my eyes up, I quickly find the brightest star. Right now I honestly don't care how creepy or stalkerish I sound.

"Hey Tris." My voice comes out in a rough whisper. I clear my throat. "I, um, have to get through this simulation. I need some help." My eyes flicker shut and I swivel my neck around, imagining exactly what I need behind me. _Tris_. A simulation Tris, yet still Tris.

Tris grins at me, and I notice a slight glow around her. Almost as if she's a hologram. But that doesn't keep my knees from going weak. Literally. My knees buckle and I feel myself falling.

Half a second later I'm standing in a dark room. I'm in here enough to know that there are no transitions between fears, but I still find it strange every time, that at one second I could be falling off of a building, and then trapped in a box. Oh yes. _Cue box!_

A wall slams into the side of my body. My breath leaves me in a _whoosh_, and my feet are violently pushed out from under me. I crash down onto the floor, the wall still pushing me into backwards.

Three other walls pop up and border my squished body. Groaning, I sit up and push my hand against my sore back. A makeshift ceiling crashes down over the walls, and as I draw my legs to my chest the tight space closes in with me. I suddenly forget the pain, and remember that I'm in a tight box. This is my second worst fear.

The closet upstairs didn't store our coats. It was my torture chamber. Where I was left to cry in pain after the beatings. But it did have one thing going for it. I close my eyes and hug my knees into my chest. Might as well imagine the positive in this.

A tiny vent was built into the corner of the closet. Functioning almost as an attic window, I could see the street and front lawn out of it. Marcus' belt came out like clockwork everyday, as did the girl across the street. Everyday she'd come out to 'hang out', as much as an Abnegation could, with the Black's down the street. From the closet, I'd like to imagine I was out there with them too. She had long blonde hair, and radiated a striking unconventional beauty. I saw her a few times at school, but I never spoke to her. Belts created an impenetrable shell around me. She was smart, too. I remember that. Even though I was two years older than her, every once in a while I'd see her in the sixteen-year hall. Her name was…

My thoughts trail off. _Beatrice? _Again, why does this name mean so much to me? What is this connection? It seems like it's sitting right in front of my face, but I just haven't grasped it. I open my eyes, and the wood walls squeak, and then fall away silently in a cloud of dust.

Slowly standing up, I brush imaginary dust off of my knees. That fear is normally a lot harder to get through.

A light flashes on, illuminating a woman. And not just any woman. Evelyn. She stands stoic in the center of the space. Her white hands hold a gun out in front of her, representing a death threat. But that's not what this fear is.

She abandoned me. I'll never forget that. But she was also the only hope I ever had. Well, apart from Tris. Last year I received a message from her. We met by the train tracks, where she tried to persuade me to join the factionless. I declined. I'll never trust her again.

I placidly move towards the table in front of her, where a gun and a single bullet rest. Never taking my eyes off her forehead, I load the bullet, set my stance, and fire. A slight recall sends my foot shifting back for balance, but other than that I don't flinch as her head whips back in a flash of red. _She faked her death to get away, but didn't even think of me._

In my state of impenetrable calm, I almost forget about my next fear. But then it enters my mind, and my breath shakes on the way out. Just a blink, and then ten Marcus' stand around me, illuminated by imaginary spotlights. His cold eyes sweep across me, already gauging my weakness. He slips his belt from around his waist, and I cower backwards. My worst nightmare, times ten. I look down, and my shirt is gone, along with my tattoos. _Well this is new. _My attempt at a laugh sounds more like a lung spasm.

"This is for your own good." His voices booms out, and it echoes through the space. The Marcus' draw their arms back, prepared to strike. The four scars on my back feel like they're on fire. All around me I see arms vault forward.

Then everything goes black.


	8. Author's Note

**A/N – Hey there pansycakes! As much as I personally hate it when authors do this, this note is VERY IMPORTANT! So thanks in advance for reading it. This will be posted to all three of my stories.**

**Excuses! Ok, so I survived the first week of eighth grade! But, this does not mean that posting is going to be any faster. I have already been swamped with homework, so the weekend is my only clear shot right now. Also, I still don't have my copy of Divergent back from JezaBelle7. It's not my fault ok?**

** Another Choice: This story is being put on semi-permanent hold. I honestly believe I could end it right here and leave the ending up to the reader's imagination. But, that doesn't mean I won't post a new chapter to wrap it up if I get enough feedback. This includes reviews and PM's filled with all my little pansycakes begging for more! Love you guys!**

** Our Past is Grey: I have to admit that I was very excited to write this story in the beginning. But it's getting really tedious, and I'd much rather write something with an original plot. Agreed? Feel free to review or PM me on your thoughts. I'm sorry ****. BUT READ ON!**

** Out of the Ashes: So the amount of praise I've gotten for this story is absolutely outstanding. I can't thank every single one of you enough. So here's the deal with this one. I'm going to completely delete this story (don't hate me). BUT…I will be rewriting the first chapter and changing the plot to something that has never been done before! PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN!**

** Confused, Number 22: Say what now? This is my amazing story with that totally original plot! So without giving too much away…I have planned out at least twenty chapters so far, but that number could easily expand. I'm currently writing the first chapter, and I don't want to give anything away. I'll just tell you what it isn't. It isn't a high school story. It isn't a truth or dare story. It isn't a no war story. It isn't comparable to anything I've ever seen in the Divergent fandom! Chapter one should be posted later today or tomorrow. Can't wait to reveal it to you guys!**

** Bye pansycakes!**

** -OnCloudTen**


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